


Once Upon a Dream

by orphan_account



Series: That one College AU [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Corresponds with more fics I will write later, F/F, Feelings, Life without war, M/M, Probably only one sexually mature scene, after school is over forever, feeeeeeeeeeeeeelings, much much later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-05-17
Packaged: 2018-03-29 17:33:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3904897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mikasa Ackerman dreams. She goes to a cafe and works hard at school, but she meets new people at the cafe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Mikasa Begins To Dream and Meet New People

**Author's Note:**

> There's only one really sexually mature scene in Mikasa's dream. The rest is about feelings.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa dreams of a girl in a different life. She meets people at a cafe, and she finds out about her brother's relationship with his professor, but doesn't really mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you find mistakes, tell me. I'll find a beta soon. Slightly NSFW scenes here, but I doubt there will be more.

You wake from your sleep with the curtains still covering the windows, without an alarm going off for once. It's Saturday, but you'd forgotten and woken up early. You lie in bed a minute or two longer, remembering your dream. 

You aren't too clear on what had happened. The memories are disjointed and fragmented. The earliest of what you remember is sitting on a wall, trying to scare birds off with your song. Then you looked down the wall, at a trench to the girl you loved on the other side. You remember kissing, slow and tender, although you knew there was no time. You remember she was on the other side; you had to fight her. You didn't want to fight her, you didn't want to hurt her, but though you loved her, you knew what she was doing was wrong, and you had to let go of Annie because she would hurt you and your friends if you fought or if you didn't fight. You didn't want to fight, you just wanted to wrap yourself around her and kiss her slowly, without the sense of urgency you did feel. To undress her slowly, to take your time and ravish her. 

You think about your dream and your feelings and you cling to them. You want to be in love. You want Annie, or Anna, or whatever her name was in the dream. 

You hear Eren call from the other room, "Mikasa, I'm hungry," and you sigh and stand and change from pajamas to your everyday long-sleeved shirt and jeans. You carefully wrap your red scarf around your neck, then go to help Eren find and make food. 

* 

You go to a café. Your friends Sasha and Connie work there. You find your face is impassive, as always. You order a cup of espresso and a sandwich, then you pull out your laptop and start to work on your homework. The bell over the door rings, and in walks a tiny girl with shoulder-length blonde hair. She reminds you a little of the girl in your dream, and a sudden wave of boldness washes over you. You could flirt with her, but what if she's straight? You don't know how to approach her anyway. What would you say? "Hello, you look lost, would you like to sit with me? I'll observe you quietly until I can figure out if you're straight or not and then I'll flirt with you until I'm ready to die of awkwardness"? You shouldn't bother anyway, she's just another beautiful stranger, you probably won't see her again. You have homework to finish, anyway. 

She stands in front of the display case looking lost, shifting back and forth on her feet. You find you can't concentrate on your homework. Maybe you should go look at the cupcakes again. You've seen them every Saturday for the past few months, but Sasha could always have added something new, right? She would have told you if she had added anything new. You tear your gaze away from the petite blonde and feel a new drive to complete your homework so you can go back home to Eren and avoid more potential social interactions. 

The bell above the door chimes again, and you look up, distracted once more. This time it's a tall dark-haired, dark-skinned girl. She glance around and spots the tiny blonde. "Krista!" 

"Ymir!' She cries back, and jumps up to greet her. Ymir crushes her in a hug. Krista reaches up and Ymir bends down and they share a slow kiss. You look away. Of course she was taken already. You squelch the disappointment that bubbles up deep inside your chest and try to concentrate once more on your homework. Ymir seems like a very outgoing person, albeit a little overly friendly, but then again, Krista _is ___her girlfriend. Maybe if you were a little more outgoing like Eren keeps telling you to be, then you'd have a girlfriend too. Maybe you should smile more. Maybe you should talk more, rather than be silent all the time. Maybe you should finish your homework. The only thing that really matters is your scholarship and getting your homework done. You should have gone to the library, where there are study rooms where you can avoid other people. Krista giggles on Ymir's lap. You concentrate on your homework, and manage to finish it before Krista and Ymir leave. You pay and leave a large tip for Sasha, who works a little too hard sometimes. You promise yourself you'll buy her a few flowers next Saturday as you leave the café, bells overhead tinkling.

_The wind pulls at your hair and scarf, which whips around as the breeze pulls it this way and that way. You think about the dream again. Your mind lingers on the kiss, the memory of her chapped, dry lips but the tenderness with which she delivered it. You remember begging her to come back, to join your side. To fight with you, not against you._

_You remember reality. You remember flirting with Sasha, who was taken by Connie, then with Hanna, who was taken by Franz. You remember developing your first real crush on Petra. You had idolized her because not only was she beautiful, she was modest and smart and very, _very ___good at what she did. You grew up hoping she would notice you, that maybe she would want to hold hands with you and spend her time with you only. You breathe deeply. You let out your breath in a sigh, deep and mournful. The sigh is a lament, a lament that you had dated one girl who was confused and who eventually dumped you by ignoring you. It's a lament of all the times you've had to give up, to back off because girls preferred men to you, that even though you tried not to fall for a girl sometimes, you still did. And you backed off anyway, because you were afraid that you weren't worth the effort._

You're at home now, at the front door, taking off your shoes. Armin's over, teaching Eren something or other. You think it's geography or oceanography or marine biology, something like that. Both of them have a need to explore. Armin looks up, smiles, and waves at you. You smile and wave back. These little interactions aren't so bad. You can be yourself around Armin and Eren. 

You hope you can find a girl who you can be yourself around, one who doesn't make you uncomfortable or nervous, one who is okay with your silence. You want someone who will see your loneliness and comfort you. 

You realize your wishes are terribly self-centered, so you push them aside so you can make something for Eren and Armin. 

* 

_You dream of the blonde girl again. This dream takes place before you sit on the wall. You're fighting. Well, not fighting. You're sparring. The two of you are matched well, but you're slightly stronger than she is. You knock her off her feet and onto the ground._

_"More than one way to sweep a girl off her feet, huh Mikasa?" Eren calls from somewhere else where he's sparring with someone else. You feel heat rising to your face as you offer your hand to the girl. She smacks your hand away roughly, and you pull back, startled. You realize you've hurt her pride. She stands and brushes herself off._

_The time shifts, and this time you're in bed and she's in the upper bunk while you're in the lower bunk. You're distressed because you want to reassure her, but she's having none of it. You climb into her bed for a change, and lie down next to her, facing her. She turns to the wall, but you wrap your arm around her shoulders. She's sulking, but you're in love. Everything she does is precious to you. The barracks are filled with late-night whispering or the sounds of quiet breathing as people drift off to sleep. You rub small circles into her back with the tips of your fingers, moving up to the nape of her neck and fingering the soft strands of her short hair. You lean in and kiss her neck. You lick and kiss and suck the back of her neck, then you move to the side to scrape your teeth against the soft part of her neck where you can feel her pulse. She shifts in bed and her breathing speeds up. You continue kissing her neck as your hands rove around her body, one slipping up her nightshirt and the other down her pants to play with the short strands of hair you find there. She rolls over to face you, and any distance between the two of you has disappeared. She leans forward and kisses you, slow and open mouthed. You feel yourself growing damp._

__You wake up to an uncomfortable arousal, and once again you wish you were a man so you could solve this by going to the bathroom. You also thank your lucky stars that you can ignore your arousal. You decide a shower will help._ _

__*_ _

__A week later you're at the café again, but this time you have flowers. And a pastrami sandwich. You think Sasha will prefer the sandwich over the flowers, but you bring the flowers anyway. They smell good._ _

__You enter the café. The bells above the door tinkle quietly, and Sasha glances up from the counter and the people she was joking with. They turn to glance at you and you see their cheerful faces. It's Krista and Ymir. You feel a pang of regret but it's easily ignored. You observe that they're a cute couple._ _

__You hold out the flowers to Sasha._ _

__"Are those for me?" She asks, and fakes a swoon. You feel a smile slip past your defenses. Good friends do this to you._ _

__"Do you see any other cute baristas here?" You ask. Her eyes widen and she takes the red flowers from you._ _

__"I'll be right back, let me get a vase." Sasha says. She exits to the kitchen in search of a vase. You're left holding the pastrami sandwich._ _

__Ymir eyes the sandwich. "Is that for Sasha too?" You nod. "You really know how to spoil a girl, huh?" The smile is back with a vengeance. Your lips quirk up. "Ooh, not bad. You look better when you smile. Right, Krista? Oh, but don't worry. You're the prettiest of them all," She croons into Krista's ear._ _

__You sit down in a squishy armchair near them. You realize you should introduce yourself. Sasha pops back in. "Oh, I see introductions are in order!" Bless her soul for saving you from an awkward introduction. "Ymir, Krista, this is Mikasa. She's pretty cool!" She says as you hand her the pastrami sandwich. "Mikasa, this is Ymir and Krista, and they're basically the cutest couple ever. Well, Krista is the cute one and Ymir is gross, but Krista more than makes up for it." You nod obligingly._ _

__"Should we shake hands or something?" Ymir asks?_ _

__"She doesn't know where your hands have been, Ymir." Krista says._ _

__Ymir wiggles her index and middle fingers lewdly. "Where indeed?" She quips._ _

__Krista shoves Ymir back a little, which seems counterproductive because Krista is still on Ymir's lap. "You're disgusting."_ _

__"But you love it."_ _

__"I love _you,_ not your disgustingness." _ _

__"My disgustingness is an inherent part of my personality. It's part of me. You love it."_ _

__"Heavens knows why I do." Krista sighs._ _

__Sasha and you watch this exchange like a ping-pong match. You look at Sasha and she has your order before you even say anything. The benefits of being a regular are numerous and comfortable. You don't have to watch Ymir and Krista make out, either. Now, more than being jealous, you're amused by their relationship. You sip your coffee and make a small noise of contentment as you relax into the cushy chair._ _

__You've relaxed, content to observe the warm weather and darkening sky. There's a stray leaf or two floating on the breeze, and the music inside the café is relaxing, though you don't really know what's playing. You hear Krista and Ymir murmur to each other and a snorting laugh or a light giggle from either one with a quip from Sasha interspersed in their conversation. Under the influence of a warm, full belly and the peaceful atmosphere of the café, you slide into the sweet embrace of sleep._ _

___Screaming. Yelling. Begging and pleading. Annie won't stay, won't fight for you no matter what you say. Betrayal. She's betrayed you. She promised she would be with you always. She'd fight with you, that's what she promised. She's killed so many people you love. You can't get attached anymore. You only kill to relieve the pain that builds inside. Trust only Eren and Armin. Only them. Only they will not betray you. Eren is known too well, like the back of your hand. Pain, anguish. A twisting fear that nobody ever loved you, that everything you protected was a lie. Fight to kill. Kill to kill. Pain is weakness leaving the body. You have perfect control of your body but none over your life. Sadness, hurt, betrayal. Sadness, hurt, betrayal. Betrayal. Betrayal. Betrayal._ _ _

__The door of the café swings open violently and the bells above the door clang loudly, startling you out of your nap. You inhale quickly and your eyes dart around to assess your location. You're still in the café. You're safe. You mentally check off where Eren is. Eren's at Armin's home or something. You think he was planning to email his professor about some homework or project. Your eyes go to the door, where a boy (man?) around your age stands, looking livid. He stomps his way up to the counter and starts talking heatedly with Sasha._ _

__"Goddamn professor obviously picks favorites. You can tell he likes Jeagerbombastic more than the rest of us. He might as well have a flashing neon sign that says, 'Jeager is my favorite!' He grades him easier than the rest of us, he lets him turn in late work with no points off, and he obviously wants in his pants, which are tight as hell because Prof. Smith can't get into them, and he's basically a sex god." He groans into his hands. "I just called my professor a sex god. Kill me. Kill me now."_ _

__You turn to Sasha and quirk a brow. She glances at you and shrugs. She reaches out and pats Jean on the shoulder. "Jean, darling, you aren't making much sense. Sit down and wait here. Maybe a good cup of tea would help?" Jean nods helplessly. You stare openly at Jean. He just said Jeager. He also said Smith, Professor Erwin Smith, which happens to be the name of Eren's professor. He's talking about your brother and his professor, who your brother should have emailed about a project by now. Jean turns slowly and when he sees you his face colors._ _

__"Oh God, kill me now," he whispers._ _

__You think Ymir and Krista might have turned their attention towards the newcomer. "Jean!" Krista exclaims with surprise and genuine enthusiasm. Ymir rolls her eyes, but remains silent, content to keep her hands firmly around Krista's waist, anchoring her in case Krista's bubbly enthusiasm fills her and she becomes less dense than air and floats away. "Hey Jean. What's up with Jeager now?"_ _

__"Goddamn nutter won't stop going off about traveling and adventures." He says, now more subdued. You listen to him attentatively. Whatever he says about your brother is important to you. "He may be keen on making a fool out of himself in front of the class, but he doesn't have the decency to make a fool out of himself alone. He has to drag everyone in the group in." Jean shifts back and forth in his seat. "Um. Who are you?" He blurts out, then looks mortified._ _

__Startled, you ask, "Who, me?"_ _

__He nods vigorously. "Yes, you."_ _

__"It was not I who stole the cookies from the cookie jar," you say dryly, slightly disoriented. Ymir snorts and Krista chides her quietly. You shake your head at Jean's confusion. Krista is ever helpful as she introduces you._ _

__"This is Mikasa Ackerman. She's a med student."_ _

__"Oh, so you're um. You're Jeager's sister?" You nod. "Huh. I thought you would be a lot less..." He gesticulates vaguely. "Attractive?" You blink slowly at him. Jean turns an impressive shade of maroon. "Shoot me."_ _

__"Is Eren dating his professor?" You ask._ _

__"I. I don't think so? I mean," Jean rubs the back of his neck and looks sheepish. "I was exaggerating. I don't think there's anything going on between them."_ _

__You process this. You know Eren likes his professor as a professor, but you suspect he likes his professor as more than a professor. He's let drop little hints as to how he feels about Professor Erwen Smith. You'll ask him when you get home. You get up to leave._ _

__"Wait, don't go! Was it something I said?" Jean asks. You turn to face him, a questioning look on your face. "Why are you leaving so soon?"_ _

__"I've been here for a few hours. It's about time I get home," you say._ _

__"Oh. When will you be back again?"_ _

__"Next week, same time." What is he getting at? You wrap your scarf around your neck._ _

__"Well, see you around then," he says. You nod back. You wave at Sasha, Ymir, and Krista as you leave. The door shuts behind you, and you start your walk home. Your dreams are increasingly detailed, but this one was unclear. The strongest message you got from them was emotion. How emotionally invested you were in this relationship. You were vulnerable with her and you got stabbed in the back. Your trust was broken forever. But that seems a little dramatic for you. You dwell on the dream as you walk back home._ _

__*_ _

__You close the door firmly behind you. "Eren?" You call out as you remove your shoes in the entryway. A faint call of, "Yeah, Armin and I are in the living room," drifts out to you, and you follow the sound. "Eren, have you sent your email that email yet?" You ask, upon finding him and Armin in the living room, staring at Eren's laptop as explosions go off and tires screech._ _

__Eren reaches to pause the movie and turns to face you. "Yeah, I did."_ _

__"Eren, are you dating your professor?"_ _

__Eren, who was moving to play the movie again, freezes and turns an interesting color of puce. You should not be finding this funny. He is your favorite brother, after all. He's your brother! You're a terrible sister. "What are you talking about?"_ _

__"Are you dating Professor Erwin Smith?" You ask, being as clear as possible so he can't skirt the question._ _

__"Who told you this?"_ _

__"Eren, answer my question."_ _

__"Well, you answer mine."_ _

__"Eren. Don't make this difficult for yourself."_ _

__Eren winces at the threat. "Fine. Fine. _Fine._ So what if I am dating him, huh?" _ _

__You shrug a little, glancing down at Armin who looks torn between mortified at the idea of his best friend dating his professor and highly amused. Eren shoots him a glare and to mollify Eren, Armin settles for mortified._ _

__"I had my suspicions." Your lips quirk up at the edges. "My baby brother's all grown up. Make sure you use protection. You don't want to get pregnant in college." You coo at Eren and he huffs and turns to face you._ _

__"Where did this come from, all of the sudden? You were never really interested in my love life before."_ _

__"Well, I did hear something at the café today," you start, and he grumbles about gossiping old ladies. "I realized you were going to excessive lengths to keep this from me, and I decided to save you some work and ask you. If you had to admit it now, and I'm sure you would never lie to your sister, you would save yourself and your professor a lot of pain. While I cannot say that this is a wise decision, I will support you in all your romantic decisions."_ _

__Armin nods along as you explain and when you finish he quips, "Except for the bad ones." He seems to have changed his mind about looking mortified or amused because he looks thoughtful now._ _

__With that settled, you think you can relax a little. Focus on your homework and studying for a while. You push everything out of your mind. Sasha, Ymir and Christa, meeting Jean, and your dreams are all ignored._ _

__You study._ _


	2. In Which Mikasa Tries To Get Rid Of Jean and Meets His Friend In The Hospital

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa bumps into Jean at school and everywhere, frankly. He's uncannily good at finding her, even when she doesn't want to be found. Mikasa meets Jean's friend. Hanji cuts open cadaver, Jean barfs, and they do it again. Well, not the barfing part. Jean only barfs once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no beta. Save me.

School is an environment in which you are determined to learn, and nothing else. You don't want to have social interactions, you just want to cram your brain full of information and get your degree and go practice medicine somewhere. 

Instead of learning and _only_ learning, you bump into Jean at school. Needless to say, it is terrible. 

You spot him and promptly look away and change direction to avoid Jean. Today, it seems, is not your lucky day. Jean notices you and jogs over to you. Damn. 

"Mikasa!" Jean exclaims, overly friendly and _physical_ as he claps his hands to your shoulders from behind. "Hey, how's it going?" 

"Fine." You don't add, _until you came along,_ but you do think of ways to get rid of him. 

"Hey, are you free later today? Want to stop by the cafe later and meet some of my friends?" Jean asks as you determinedly make your way to a nearby building. Jean continues to follow you, undaunted by your silence. "Which class are you going to now?" And, after a moment of silence, "Do you need any help with your bags?" 

"No." You try to shut him down, but he continues, oblivious to your attempts to lose him. You continue up a flight of stairs to a classroom you know well. "See you later," you say as you step into the class. Jean smiles dazedly and waves you goodbye. You slump against the door in relief, but glance up at the sounds of panting breaths and quiet moans and _kissing._

"Eren!" You exclaim, scandalized. "Kindly detach your face from Professor Smith's, please. Remember that class starts in," you check your watch and scowl. Not for another half-hour apparently. You're too early. "Soon." 

"Mikasa!" Comes the embarrassed squeak. Eren and his professor step away from each other. Eren clears his throat and Erwin straightens out his suit. "Class isn't for another half-hour. What are you doing here?" He demands. 

"Running away from your friend Jean," you reply dryly. "Persistent asshole," you mutter under your breath. Neither Eren nor your professor hear. 

You straighten up with a sigh, thinking, _the only straight thing about me is my posture,_ and snort. You suppose that making yourself laugh is pitiful, but then you remember, _how can anyone love you when you don't love yourself? It happens but it's not fun because you'll constantly be doubting yourself._ You're still staving off a smile as you take a seat in the front of the classroom. Eren sits next to you with a sigh. You suddenly find the situation humorous; you like girls and Eren likes guys so when Eren comments on how hot that one guy is, you make faces of distaste and when you tell Eren to check that girl out, Eren looks bored. Maybe this is bad of you, but you find this hilarious. A couple of gay siblings. 

"So, brother dearest, what did I interrupt? Nothing too important, I hope?" You ask saccharinely, entirely intent on humiliating Eren in the most loving, sisterly fashion. 

"Nothing much, Erwin only promised to fuck me over his desk." Eren says, smiling like a shark. 

"Ugh. Eren. Please. There are other places to fuck. Say, a _bed_ for instance. I will never be able to look at Professor Smith's desk the same." 

Eren rolls his eyes like the petulant teenager he is. You resist the urge to smack him upside the head. 

People start trickling into the classroom. You pull out your laptop to take notes. Eren sighs happily as Erwin sends a flirtatious smile his way. You roll your eyes again, but the rest of your face betrays you with a smile at Eren's happiness. 

* 

Jean keeps finding you. 

It's irritating because he doesn't seem to understand the concept of _personal space._ When he sees you, he reaches up and pulls your scarf or your hair or your backpack or the strap of your bag or your shirt. He pulls anything he can reach, and you can't get rid of him. 

On Monday Jean finds you again. 

"Hey, Mikasa, want to hang out sometime?" 

_No,_ you think. How the hell can you get rid of this guy? He's so _persistent._ If you ignore him, maybe he'll go away. 

You remember you've tried that before. It didn't work. 

You swallow a sigh and turn to Jean. "Sure, why not? Name a time and place." You add a smile, just for luck. 

Jean, bless the idiot, stands there and stammers. You make to move away, but Jean catches your sleeve. God _damn_ the sleeve pulling. You whirl on the idiot, pulling your sleeve out of his grasp. He stammers. "I-I-I thought. Well. You should name the time and place?" He says, his voice rising at the last few words. 

You grit your teeth. You had been planning on telling him that you were busy, no matter what he said. Now you actually have to spend time with him. You think about it for a moment before replying, "Lunch, Saturday." Shoot, how can you word this so he doesn't think you're coming on to him? Nope, there's no way he'll think you aren't coming on to him. He's so _stubborn_ and hard to get rid of. _Please Jean, just get the hint and go away,_ you think. An idea suddenly comes to you. "At the hospital. We'll pay a visit to Professors Levi and Hanji." You watch with some satisfaction as Jean pales at the names Levi and Hanji. 

"Oh. You're. You're um. On a first name basis with them?" 

You flash Jean another disarming smile. "Of course! Levi is my cousin!" You are amused to see him pale further. 

"I-I-I." Jean stammers, then straightens and visibly gathers himself. "I have to go." He turns heel and practically runs away. 

You feel a broad grin threaten to swallow your face, and you let it. You've finally gotten rid of Jean. 

* 

On Thursday Jean finds you again. 

Generally it's hard to find you when you don't want to be found. You're wondering how the hell he keeps finding you. He didn't stick a tracking device on you, did he? 

He starts talking before you can make your speedy getaway. "So, we're still on for the um. Lunch Saturday?" He asks. 

Well shit. Getting rid of him wasn't that easy, after all. 

Time for Plan B. 

"Yeah, Saturday, at the hospital. Trost General. Eleven? Don't get lost." You tell him. 

"Can I bring a friend? Or, meet him there and uh..." He trails off. 

"Sure, why not?" You ask. 

Jean nods numbly and stumbles away. 

You pull out your phone and set Plan B into action. 

"Levi? It's Mikasa. Hanji was preparing for an autopsy Saturday, right? Can you ask them if they mind me watching?" 

* 

On Saturday you make your way to the morgue. 

You meet Jean there. He's with his friend, broad and blonde and dressed in bright, flowery scrubs that strain across his pectoral muscles. You smile and pull out sandwiches for everyone. You made enough for everyone, but you didn't expect Jean's friend to be so broad. Luckily for you though, you've made extra. 

Jean introduces his friend hastily, "This is Reiner Braun. He's still in residency. He wants to go into pediatrics." 

You shake his proffered hand and introduce yourself, "I'm Mikasa; I'm a second year. I'll be majoring in biochem." 

You stand in silence and watch Hanji bustle around the table upon which a cadaver is laid. They, as always, are far too enthusiastic about dead bodies. 

You observe your cousin with interest as Levi watches on, looking bored. From an outsider's perspective, Levi's countenance is solid as a rock, impervious to change. However, you and Hanji can tell that Levi's faintly amused, but Hanji is too involved in cleaning surfaces and laying out tools to comment. You watch Jean swallow hard as Hanji slices open the cadaver's abdomen and pins back the skin. 

Apparently the hospital has to look over the body to find out why they died, something about life insurance. 

You think back on your plan. If Jean is disgusted enough, or intimidated enough by Hanji's skills as a coroner, he'll leave you alone. Besides, you yourself are planning on working in the medical field and watching Hanji cut open a body is a good experience. If only you could have brought Eren here, maybe he could do a bit of studying himself. Your baby brother doesn't take school seriously enough. 

if you had brought Eren, though, you would have had to explain why Jean is here. You can't very well say you're studying together; Jean is majoring in engineering so you don't share any classes. You could say you dragged Jean along because you don't want to be alone, but you honestly don't mind being alone while you study. Less distractions. If you told Eren that this is a not-date he would demand to know what it was. _Not a date,_ you would say, but Eren won't accept it; he never does, the stubborn oaf. What if you told him that you brought Jean along to watch him suffer? Even though Eren would get a kick out of that he'd still want to know how you even know Jean or even _bring him along on a trip to the hospital._ Scandalous. 

You should have talked to Armin. Armin the rational one. Armin the rational one who was forced to be rational because of Eren's blatant irrationality. It doesn't matter that you're gay as a rainbow, you would still have to explain to your brother why you're at the hospital with Jean. 

You regret your decision to not talk to Armin. 

You do not regret, however, your decision to take Jean to the morgue. Jean looks a little green about the gills, and the sight of Jean's discomfort is very entertaining. The thought of making him feels disgusted to the point of leaving you alone is also appealing. 

You don't know how to deal with persistent men who try to come onto you. Your parents are dead. They've been dead. Eren's parents adopted you, but they too are dead. Not quite the way you want to grow up. 

You usually give men the cold shoulder and they eventually back off. If they don't, you can take care of them. On the bright side, you have Hanji to help dispose the bodies. What's that saying about friends and high places? It probably goes along the lines of, _It is damn good to have friends in high places to help dismember bodies for you and make the job an interesting anatomical lesson, too!_

The reason why you haven't punched Jean yet is because Eren used to have a crush on him (shh, don't tell Eren you know) and while you don't want to be Jean's girlfriend, you kind of want to be his friend. Maybe. It's debatable. As soon as he stops being infatuated with you. 

You suppose the purpose of having Jean eat lunch in the morgue was to get him to cross you off his list of romantic prospects. You think it's working. 

Jean is grimacing at Hanji with such obvious distaste while they hum, elbows-deep in cadaver, with several major organs (and minor organs) in stainless steel bowls off to the side. 

"Oh God, are those lungs?" Jean quails at the sight of shrunken black lungs, obviously stained from years of chain-smoking. 

Hanji looks up with delight at the attention Jean is paying to the autopsy. "Yes, of course! We're going to freeze these to show med students later! Oh, and here's the liver." Hanji hands Jean gloves and a bowl with an inflamed liver. "This one," they point at the cadaver, "was a hard drinker and smoker. I'm sure you know what the effects are, but it's so much more interesting to _feel,_ to _smell,_ to really _understand_ the effects of drinking and smoking." Hanji presses the liver into Jean's hands harder with every emphasized word and Jean looks like he's going to puke. "See here, this is a healthy liver! Notice how pink and soft it is." Hanji pokes the liver. "Now feel this one. Hard, like a rock. Cirrhosis of the liver, you know. Cirrhosis is boring, though, everyone knows about it. See these lumps?" Hanji grabs Jean's gloved hand and forces him to poke a lumpy part of the liver. "This is alcoholic hepatitis! Fewer people know about this. It causes pain and nausea, vomiting, fever, jaundice, a liver disease. Oh! Check this out, see how his skin is yellowish?" Hanji pulls one eye open. Jean shudders violently and puts the basin with the liver down. Seemingly against his will he leans over the cadaver's fleshy face. "The yellowing of the whites of the eyes is also indicative of jaundice." Hanji is vibrating with glee at this point, busily explaining to their fresh victim. 

You pull out a clean basin and hand it to Jean, who vomits into the basin. Hanji has already turned back to the body, and resumes their delighted humming. They're having so much fun with the kidneys and liver. 

Hanji whirls back onto Jean, smiling widely. "Hey," they say, "come back next week! Maybe I'll have someone who's been in a texting-and-driving accident for you to see!" 

You smile indulgently at Hanji. Hanji is your favorite person right now. "I'll be sure to bring Jean along next week," you tell them. Jean, who is beyond pale by now manages to pale further. Levi snorts from his corner, and Jean flinches violently. You have to swallow your laughter. You offer Jean another sandwich, but he's shaking too violently to respond. 

Reiner left a while ago, right after he got his sandwich, so Jean had to endure a majority of the autopsy alone. He's probably traumatized for life. 

"A-a-are w-we done yet?" Jean has a serious case of the stutters. He should really try to articulate more. 

"No, of course not!" Hanji says. "We still have to cut open the lungs! Oh, and the kidneys! And the gallbladder! And we can root through their intestines, too!" 

Jean looks around, terrified, and you start to take pity on him. Hopefully with the trauma of this first date he'll never come onto you again. "Hanji, I'd love to stay, and I know Jean would too," you say with as much sincerity you can muster as Jean blanches, "but we really have to go." You don't elaborate, and hopefully Hanji won't ask for an explanation. They don't. They just flap their hands at you and shoo the two of you off. 

Once Jean is free from the hospital and out in open air, he turns to you. "Thanks for the--" he breaks off and shivers violently. "Yeah, thanks." Then he runs away. You idly wonder if he'll just avoid you at school now. You do want to be his friend, but you aren't opposed to the idea of him leaving you alone for good. 

You shrug quietly to yourself and walk home. 

* 

Apparently Jean hasn't given up. 

It would be one thing if Jean were more...Civil? Respectful? If he treated you more like a human being and less like a girl. 

The distinction here is that Jean treats his friends like human beings, like he values their thoughts and opinions. He treats you differently, like you should be flattered by his actions or attention and return them in kind. You don't, and he persists. Like a pestilence upon your life. 

He's not overt, per se, about his feelings, but he keeps asking you about hanging out with him sometime during the week or after class, and you don't want to. You just want to go home and maybe sleep. You tell him as much, and he asks you if you wants to hang out at his place. You tell him no. He gets mildly upset and sad, but leaves you alone for a while. 

A while means two days. He doesn't bother you on Monday, possibly due to trauma, but on Tuesday he finds you at school again, and you shoot down his attempts to get you to "hang out." On Wednesday and Thursday he doesn't bother you, possibly due to butthurt-ness about you not wanting to "hang out." On Friday, you tell him Hanji does indeed have a texting-and-driving accident cadaver and he agrees to go. God knows why, but He doesn't tell you. 

You go home on Friday and find Armin. You have some serious griping to do. 

* 

"I don't understand how he can't get it through his thick skull that I don't want to get together with him. Someone should tell him. Ugh, he's as stubborn as Eren, but worse because he can't take a hint and I don't want to punch him and get expelled." 

Armin, bless his soul, has piled all the blankets onto your bed and you roll around in the wide swaths of fabric like carefree children. You kick your feet irately. Armin turns to you, chin in hand. 

"Maybe you should tell him you don't want to date him." He suggests. 

"I feel like if I do that he'll just feel flattered that I even considered it. Or he'll find some way to twist it to make it seem like I'm the one who wants to go out with him." 

Armin considers this for a moment. You can tell he's really formulating a deep, well thought through response by the way his eyebrows draw together. "I can't tell if he's immature or secretly really mature. From what you're saying, he has at least a small level of self-awareness. He doesn't want to bother you, but at the same time he seeks your attention. I wonder how his family situation was," he muses. 

You blink. "Well," you say, "I'm pretty sure Eren knows, but I'm not sure I want to talk about it just yet. Eren being Eren and all." 

"When are you planning on telling him?" 

"Hopefully I can get Jean to stop coming on to me soon. If that happens I won't tell him, but if he persists, which is more probable, I'll have to tell him. He'll probably punch Jean." You pause. "Armin, is it just me, or is it more socially acceptable for a guy to punch another guy than it is for a girl to punch a guy, no matter the reason?" 

"I've never thought about it that way before," the tiny blonde boy says. "I do think so. Society's perception of males and masculine aggression make it more socially acceptable for men to punch other men, while the simultaneous standards of femininity condemns and shames violent women as bitches, no matter the reason for their violence. On a similar note, society's shaming of what might be considered effeminate makes it socially unacceptable for a man _to be punched_ by a woman, but at the same time, constraints regarding old-fashioned chivalry prevent men from hitting back. I suppose this is why so many cases of domestic violence where the man is the victim and the woman is the abuser go unreported, for fear of appearing effeminate in society's eyes." 

Your eyes darken. "Too many cases of domestic violence go unreported," you growl. 

The kettle in the kitchen started whistling halfway through Armin's ponderings, and now that you've talked through it, he ignores it no longer and goes retrieve it. He comes back with two piping hot cups of tea that you set aside for a moment to cool. 

"I think we've gotten a little off topic," your friend says with a slight grin. "I'm pretty sure we weren't going to punch Jean, not really." 

"No, we're trying to figure out how to communicate to Jean that his attentions are unwanted and, quite frankly, annoying." 

"Yes. My best bet is still to tell him that you'd like him to stop suggesting to 'hang out' all the time, or maybe to tell him that you aren't interested in going to his place. Instead, treat him like a normal friend and maybe have Hanji cut up more cadavers near him." 

"Alright, I'll keep that in mind. Armin, what if he asks me out? How should I reject him? I don't want to hurt his feelings. I don't think telling him I'm gay would be an especially kind way to turn him down, either." 

Armin thinks for a good long time. "Well, Mikasa, you've always been kind to me and very considerate of my feelings." 

"Yes, well, you're a good friend and I love you very much." You say, wondering where the conversation is going. 

"Imagine Jean is me. When you reject him--If you reject him--think of him as me. This way you can communicate your feelings without having to worry about his." 

You convey your confusion as a single eyebrow quirks up. 

"Look," Armin continues, "you've always thought about protecting me and caring for me. By now it's almost an instinct. If you imagine Jean as me it's unlikely that you'll hurt his feelings." 

"Huh." You nod. "Yeah, that sounds like a pretty solid plan. Ahhhh," you sigh, "I really should have talked to you sooner. I feel better. I feel relieved." You roll over to give him a warm hug. 

Armin's smile is warm and open as he hugs you right back. 

You drink your tea like the classy motherfuckers you are. 

* 

Saturday is a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, and there isn't a cloud in sight. The birds sing, the breeze is cool and the grass is green and lush and fresh, like if you stepped in it the grass would be a cool green carpet beneath your feet. You know today is going to be a terrible day. You can feel it in your gut. You hate today's sunlight on instinct. The dark strands of your hair fall like a curtain in front of your face to shield you from the sun's dagger-like rays. You hate the sunlight with a deep hatred that comes from a pit of emotions, swirling deep, hidden from the world by a thin layer of self-control. The sun is terrible. 

You are determined to hate today with everything you have, including today's interactions with Jean. 

Your resolution stutters when you step into the cool, dark morgue. Hanji has already opened the body bag and you can see bits of fleshy gray and white brain. Your Levi face falters, the pissy mask slipping at the sight of Jean, nervously holding a dark messenger bag up to his chest like it's the only thing protecting him from the body. You see Hanji's old human sacrifice, a grad student with mousy blonde hair, Moblit. Moblit prepares all sorts of shining instruments for Hanji as they stride from one side of the room to the other. You think you see Moblit roll his eyes at Jean's pitiful state, at Jean's weak stomach. 

Hanji snaps gloves onto their hands and starts laying pieces of fragmented skull aside. You don't know why they're cutting this one open, but any chance to scare Jean is a good enough reason for you to sit in on the autopsy. At least part of the autopsy. This will probably take a while and Jean will probably sick up again. You wonder where your favorite pissant cousin is. 

Before you can ask, however, Jean opens his mouth and asks Hanji, "Why are you cutting him open?" 

Hanji looks up and blinks owlishly at Jean. "What do you mean?" They ask, "Are you asking specifically why I'm taking my scalpel and cutting their torso open, or are you asking why we're performing an autopsy?" 

"The second one." Jean swallows hard. 

"Well, it's mostly for fun, really," Hanji says, "We can tell you that the driver was texting and accidentally crashed into a tree. Luckily they were the only one who died, but unluckily, we have to piece the body back together. The family wants an open-casket funeral _for some reason,_ so we have to make him pretty again." They smile fondly at the body. They snap the latex gloves as they watch the body do nothing. Hanji sighs blissfully. “They always look so much better like this.” 

“Dead?” Jean asks; nervousness fills his voice and stretches it thin. 

“Yes, of course.” Hanji says, their face straight like you will never be. You laugh at Jean, who’s shivering in fear. 

Moblit moves slowly towards Jean, his hand out in a gesture of openness, like Jean’s a nervous animal. He certainly looks like a terrified bunny. Moblit takes slow, sure steps before he rests his hand on Jean's shoulder. "Hanji's just messing with you, of course they don't like people better dead." 

"No, of course not. I think they look better dead, but I don't actually like people better dead. Or dead people better," Hanji explains, their face filling with what looks like either remorse or sadness, or a cross between the two you can't explain. "They just look so much better like this, without all the pain and stress of living right there on their faces for everyone to see. They don't have to worry about this world anymore, the attachments and pain, the sorrows of life all fade away. When you see them like this they're almost peaceful. Like they've taken a short nap and a little shake will wake them up. They're beautiful like this," they say, voice reverent and reminiscent all at once. It sends chills down your spine because though Hanji's voice is steady there's a lilt to it that makes it sound like the warbling of a songbird, steady and thin and sweet, but oh so close to breaking. 

It seems like all of you have been mesmerized by their voice, you've all slipped into a trance where you think only of the most bittersweet days of your life, days that are happy and sad all at once. Their voice tears you to pieces in the most wonderful way. 

You shake yourself out of your reverie just in time to watch Jean do the same. His eyes go from slightly misted over to clear, steady, strong, like he remembered a purpose in life that he'd forgotten or buried under layers of false pretenses and bravado. 

"I should go," Jean says. He doesn't move. 

"His last text to his mother. He told her he loved her." Hanji murmurs. You see them give Moblit a significant look, charged with meaning. Moblit swallows. "Any one of us is not immortal. We could go at any time, even though we are young." You notice they're mostly addressing Moblit now. 

You have the strong sense that you're intruding on a very private moment. "I have to go too," you say, and grab Jean by the wrist and pull him away. 

Outside the sun has disappeared behind a thin layer of cloud coverage. You're still dragging Jean as you walk into the parking lot. 

"Which car's yours?" You demand. 

"The-- here, the Volvo." Jean says, looking embarrassed. His car is older than dinosaur crud. 

"Mikasa?" He says. 

"What?" 

"I'm sorry for being... You know." 

"A massive tool?" 

"Well-- Yeah." 

"Apology accepted." You wait for him to say something else, and when it becomes apparent that he isn't going to elaborate, you ask, "So is there any reason you were a jerk?" 

Jean shifts from foot to foot, opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water searching desperately for air, or in Jean's case, words. You inhale slowly and exhale slowly, in a manner you hope doesn't sound too judgemental. _Be nice,_ you remind yourself. 

Jean takes a deep breath. "You know why I've been a jerk. I'm not trying to excuse being a jerk, but--" Jean closes his eyes and visibly gathers his courage about him like a thin tattered cloak, riddled with holes from all the times you've shot him down. "I think you're really attractive and I was being stupid because I didn't know how to act around you and I really like you because you're pretty and smart and I know you're way out of my league but I thought I might as well try and I mean, I know you don't really like me now, but maybe," he swallows, "maybe if you would be willing to date me we could try to work out out and I'll try to not be so annoying?" 

Jean gulps in deep breaths while you wrack your brain to try to remember what Armin told you. 

"You don't have to answer me now, I can wait." He says. 

"I'd rather tell you now. It's more cruel to make someone wait with false hope." You say. "Jean, I don't like you, I'm sorry. While it's flattering to know you think so highly of me, I don't think dating you would be a good idea for us. I don't think we're suited for each other. I'm sorry, Jean." You say this softly, all too aware of the crushed look he sports. 

"It's okay, I was expecting it," he mumbles. 

"Jean." You take his shoulder and squeeze it firmly. "Jean, look at me." When he does look up at you, you continue, "Jean, you're a wonderful, considerate person. You deserve to be happy." He scoffs. "I'm serious, Jean. You're a devoted, kind friend. I know you'd never do into a morgue of your own free will. You did it for me, a person who knew full well how you felt and decided to make you miserable. You're a _good_ friend, Jean. I wish you happiness. I hope you find someone who makes you happy and genuinely cares about how you feel because you are a strong, caring friend, and you deserve someone who can make you happier than I could." You see the brightness shining in Jean's eyes and you squeeze his shoulder again. "I hope you know this is the most I've ever said to you and I'm not talking for the rest of today. You'll have to text me anything you want to say." 

"Alright." He waggles his eyebrows weakly. "Give me your number." 

You do. 

"Mikasa Ackerman, I am honored to be your friend," he says as he gets in his car. 

"Jean Kirschtein, I am honored to be yours," you reply as he starts his car up. As his car rattles its way out of the parking lot, you say, satisfied, "I'm glad he understands the friend zone is nothing to be a little bitch about. I hope he's happy." 

* 

You've gone for a while without dreaming, and for that you're relieved, relieved you no longer have to suffer stinging, gut-wrenching pain that wakes you up when you can no longer bear it, the heartache of loving someone only to be betrayed. 

This dream is different. You're in a forest of tall, thick trees so densely packed that only thin spears of sunlight penetrate the thick leafy foliage, appearing as liquid gold on the thick grass and shrubbery. The wind whistles past, whispering to and caressing softly the leaves of the old plane trees and bringing warmth and coolness on the fresh breeze. You stand in a tall tree, on the thick branches that drape over the entrance to the forest, a thin path into the woods as you wait for someone or something to make its sinister approach. 

You might die. You know this every time you go into battle. You might die. 

You don't mind dying. Eventually everyone will die, leaves bud, they blossom, they grow, they wither away and die. So do humans. If you die today, though, you'll never avenge Marco's death. Marco, the one Jean loved with an intensity that reminds you of Eren, totally committed and blind to the outside world. 

If you live to avenge Marco --all of the 104th training squad that died because you couldn't protect them-- maybe you won't think of your despair. Your hurt, your loneliness, the betrayal that sits, burning, just below your sternum, and maybe your broken heart, too. Your heart thrums with emotion, emotion that you push down and ignore for the sake of your brother and everyone else who depends on you to kill the female titan, beautiful, manipulative Annie who used your heart as a shield without your knowing. Annie who used Marco's dead body to protect herself. 

You feel rage consume you, drown out your sorrow and pain. You squash any remaining emotion; your personal problems cannot affect your performance as a soldier. You still feel the pain, the anger, you just ignore the throbbing sorrow. You never got to mourn the loss of your first and only girlfriend, the only one you trusted to be mentally and emotionally stable enough for you to rely on. She was your strong tower. You never should have trusted her so much, you should have known, you should have noticed how cold her eyes were instead of how you thought they flashed and grew warm when she looked your way. You didn't see her motives because you thought she loved you, and love made you blind. It was stupid of you to fall in love when you knew she could die but you believed she could take care of herself in battle-- you believed in her. You knew she was strong. You believed in her. 

You will never let yourself fall in love again, expose your heart for some stranger you barely know, trust anyone besides Eren and Armin. You will live to protect them and nothing else. You forcibly detach yourself from emotion and discard your heart. You know with your mind that passion and love are never worth the pain of betrayal, but your heart thrums with hope every time anyone makes a reference to Annie, and you can't have that. Your hope, your irrational, unfounded hope leaves you feeling like you got kicked in the gut repeatedly and makes you biased and subjective and if you aren't objective on the battlefield you will die and nobody will protect Eren and Armin, nobody will avenge Marco and the rest of the 104th. 

You fell in love and nothing can be worse. 

Your heart is worthless. It has no place in this war. 

You wake up sobbing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes even the best and most mature of us all can make stupid mistakes. One could even accept to go out with some dude just to get rid of them because some people are damn persistent and can't take a hint. How, you ask? Hell if I know. I will do almost anything to get rid of this dude.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm finishing this, I promise. I just need to finish finals and summer classes and assignments. If I have time I'll write, but don't expect regular updates. I apologize for any inconvenience. Please turn your attention to the "To This Day Project" by Shane Koyczan in the meantime. Thank you.


End file.
